I walk across campus to get to my early classes and normally that has no effect on me. However, with the bitter wind chill that whips at your face, numbing it within seconds, the trek has become a daily feat for me.
Like so many other this time of year, I long for the warm summer nights and the days where you don’t have to warm your car up for fifteen minutes before you go anywhere. Winter has always been a season of waiting for me. Everything seems paused, at a standstill. The trees have given their last breath of life for several months and the bird migrate somewhere warmer.
Oh how I wish I was a bird sometimes.
Much like winter, I feel I am in a season of waiting. I’m young in many aspects of the word but I am an old soul. Once I took a quiz to find out my “true age” and got forty. I wasn’t sure what emotion to feel.
My whole life I’ve wanted only two things. Well, I’ve wanted several things but these two have always been constant.
I’ve wanted to write books.
I’ve wanted to be a mother.
Ever since the fourth grade when I wrote in a daily journal for my teacher, I knew I wanted to write. Fast forward eleven years and that’s still on my list.
But lately, it’s been the latter. I’ve always loved kids and desired to have a family. Where I work, I’ve been in the children’s sections the majority go my shifts. I love seeing little kids’ faces light up when you hand them the book they were looking for, or when an expecting mother comes in and asks for recommendations on starting a mini-library for her first child.
I see all the books I loved as a kid, Corduroy, Jamberry, Go Dog Go and my heart yearns for a little one of my own to share my love of books with.
All in God’s timing
That phrase has haunted me, given me encouragement, and confused me all in a span of a few minutes. For one, God’s timing is completely different from ours. What’s years for us probably feels like minutes to Him.
People have said, “He’s saving a great one for you.”
I get that but sometimes it’s frustrating. Why is He saving him? Can’t he just drop him in front of me and go “BAM! There he is Hannah.”
Another common phrase I’ve heard is, “This is where your faith comes into play. Have faith and trust God.”
While I understand both concepts and somewhat agree with them, I can’t help but get at least a little discouraged. Motherhood has always seemed like a far off dream. I’m in the middle of my college years and it’s not feasible right now.
I’m still a kid myself and at the end of the day just like Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:34-
An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.
For this season of my life, I am dedicated to the Lord. He knows my heart better than myself or anyone around me. He knows exactly what I need and when I need it.